An Open Letter to Barack Obama (Bin Laden)

(there should be a giant question mark at the end of "progress")

Dear Mr. President,

What a colossal let down you have been.  It's hard to fathom how you could be more disappointing almost a year and half into your "new vision" thing for America.  You have done almost nothing constructive.  Yes, we all know you inherited a mess from George Dubya who almost single-handedly destroyed America's position and legacy in the world.  He didn't quite get it totally done though and now it seems you intend to finish the job.  What a massive joke you have been!  Here's a laundry list of things you haven't done so far that could have changed your legacy for the better and fulfilled some of your pre-election promises:

1.  Take the BP spill as a serious threat to national security from DAY ONE.  You didn't.  This could be the mother of all economic storms and your lack of knowledge about, presumably, most economic-based issues is showing.  I know, it's more fun vacationing in Hawaii but you can't wait a single day to address issues like this.  Not one.  This is your job.

2.  Begin in earnest pulling out of Iraq.  Now.  You know full well Bush started an absolute disaster there economically as well politically.  It's not a winnable war.  In fact, it's not a war on anything.  It's a smokescreen.  We're just protecting oil. 

3.  Reverse the bullshit bailout ideology that is gripping American politics like a cancer.  Fucking A, how un-American is this idea of too big to fail?  Yet, you fell right in line with the corruption and this blatantly un-American policy of making the rich motherfuckers who helped make this mess whole at all costs.  This is your biggest failure to date, Obama.  BP might eclipse it though.  Doing the right thing by the American taxpayer?  You sure haven't.

4.  You could have immediately cut taxes for small business owners to spur job creation.  You didn't.

5.  You could have worked on reforming healthcare by actually doing some research first then drafting a resolution.  Instead, you took a sledgehammer and just started swinging wildly.

6.  Which leads me to another blunder:  letting Congress continue to draft laws that they have absolutely no understanding of.  They are like fucking children.  Basically, you could have begun dismantling a runaway Congress that no longer votes according to the whims of those who elected them (the People!).  Epic fail.  You're just like everyone else, no different.  Letting the monster machine and its voracious appetite for control continue on unabated. 

7.  Corporate and financial reform.  You could have immediately changed things by pushing for reinstatement of Glass-Steagall.  Would have solved a lot and quickly.  But, no, like Clinton and Bush before you, you are really all about protecting massive corporations.  Fuck the people.  They are born to be slaves, right?

Bonus gripe:  Are you even American-born?  I'm not much for conspiracies but, really, can you prove it?

I could keep going here but what's the point?  You suck.  Your performance is a joke.  You will last one term but America will be buried by then.  But what do you care?  You'll be making $50k per speech then.  You'll have your $10 million book deal.  You'l be doing secret deals with captains of industry and Hollywood.  Yeah, you're part of the fucking problem, Mr. President.  That's the problem.  And this is why you are and will continue to be an epic failure and a slap in the face of true Democracy...

Classic Music Review: OPERATION: MINDCRIME by Queensryche

Released in 1988, QR's magnum opus concept album, OPERATION: MINDCRIME, has been finding its way into my playlist quite a bit lately.  According to the metal fans of the world, as documented in Martin Popoff's fun TOP 500 METAL ALBUMS OF ALL TIME book, MINDCRIME is the #6 heavy metal album of all time.  I don't think I could argue against that claim.  Whether it's #3, #23 or #103, I don't know, that's a preference thing.  What I do know is that it personally is in my top five or so and unquestionably a great, great album by any standard, metal or otherwise.

I still recall buying the CD back in the spring of '88 and being instantly blown away by the scope, ambition and musicianship of the album.  1988 was a banner year for heavy metal and concept albums what with Metallica releasing ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL a little later that year.  Being, um, in my early teens at the time and having just picked up the guitar a few years earlier, these albums were awe-inspiring displays of not only killer metal songwriting but musical chops as well.  I can remember air-guitaring to "Speak"...that killer rapid-fire arpeggio riff which sounded unbelievably futuristic with the gated electro-sizzle production/mix.  At this point, the production is considered a little frigid and blocky although it's hard to imagine the album sounding any different so not sure you can really call it a flaw at this point.  Geez, so many great riffs that are now considered classics..."Operation: Mindcrime", "Speak", "Eyes Of A Stranger", "I Don't Believe In Love", and the grand-daddy of them all, possibly one of my top three or four guitar songs ever, "Breaking The Silence".  Awesome intro, pick slide, lyrics, harmony, chorus...just one bad-ass song all the way around.  The opening verse still resonates even after all these years: 

"They told me to run by just how far

can I go wearing the black mask of fear?

The hate in my eyes always give me away

the tension building slowly.

Now I've lost everything I had in you

Nothing we shared means a thing

without you close to me

I can't live without you!"

Those lyrics, as delivered by a soaring Geoff Tate in his prime, coupled with the cyber-electric sustained awesomeness of DeGarmo and Wilton on guitars, always conjures images of Ridley Scott's BLADE RUNNER for me.  If there's any song that could sonically capture the mood of that film, it's "Breaking The Silence".  Man, just so many great songs, riffs, solos...everything.  Looking at the band's catalog after MINDCRIME it's hard to fathom where the band lost it so quickly.  EMPIRE is a great pop metal record and even PROMISED LAND has its moments...but, damn, everything post-1994 just blows when compared to the earlier work.  I guess talent and inspiration can simply run empty.  Ironically, the same fate would befall Metallica to an even greater degree.

Sound quality/production has always been a stickly issue with this album but, again, personally, I believe the mix lends itself well to the story about alienation, corruption, betryal, etc.  But it can sound a bit blocky and opaque, especially considering that CD mastering didn't really mature until the early 90's.  I bought the remastered version in '04 and feel the improvement in quality is pretty substantial with considerably more "air" and deeper blacks being the hallmarks.  On the downside, you can hear obvious distortion in the mix where levels are pushed too far into the red.  It's only noticeable in a few spots though.  Overall the resmastered version is definitely worth the extra coin.  Of course, given the MP3 times we live in, it's a moot point now.

The sum of the matter is that QR produced what is very arguably the greatest concept album of all time and definitely one of the best metal albums ever.  An indispensible classic.

Rating: 10/10

Summer Movie Season: Part One

So another apparently shitty summer movie season is upon us.  The trend continues:  fewer films, bigger budgets, less creativity, less fun, more $ for a ticket, small loans now being offered at the concession stands just to get a fucking popcorn and drink, etc.  Yes, the popcorn summer movie season is alive and well! 

I'll be reviewing the flicks I see as I see them in small batches.  So let's get started.  Oh yeah, for the record I think the best summer for movies, ever, is like 1989.  Or maybe 1992.  I remember, I was there.  They were awesome.  1993 was pretty good too.  Summer movie seasons started getting consistently shitty around 1999 (thanks, George Lucas and your unbelievably disappointing THE PHANTOM MENACE!!!). 

First up, IRON MAN 2 aka THE REVENGE OF HARLEY DAVIDSON.  Don't worry if you don't get...it's a very obscure reference and a pretty unfunny stab at humor.  So, yeah, haven't seen it yet.  I've heard it's pretty shitty though.  The best thing I've heard about it is that the second hour picks up a bit.  So basically the first hour is a snorefest...how the fuck did they manage that?  The first IRON MAN was downright awesome as far as superhero films go with only perhaps THE DARK KNIGHT and the first SPIDER-MAN eclipsing it.  Neither is as good as SUPERMAN II on a pure entertainment level, but I digress.

I plan on seeing IRON MAN 2 but probably not in theatres.  Why should I spend $10 to see an inferior product?  Riddle me that.  Nobody is saying it's as good as the first let alone better.  So fuck you Hollywood, I'll give my hard-earned dollars to Netflix or Redbox.  I will say one thing about the movie:  looks like they picked a really lousy villain in Mickey Rourke.  He looks like an insane bum in it.  Wtf?  They should've had Tony go up against someone cool like Moon Knight.  I know, Moon Knight is a "good guy".  But so what?  All superheros don't need to get along.  And Moon Knight is fucking rad.

Rating not having seen it yet:  6/10
Best reason to see it:  Well, it's fucking Iron Man, man!  One of my fave superheroes.
Best reason not to see it:  No fucking Terrence Howard and Iron Man apparently fights a bum.  Yay.
How I rate the 2008 original:  9.1/10

Okay, onto..........ROBIN HOOD: THE ONE WITHOUT KEVIN COSTNER (Chinese bootleg title).

Nope, haven't seen that one either.  Looked good in preview form (even though nobody was dying to see another Robin Hood movie) but apparently it sucks from reliable sources.  I guess that doesn't surprise me given that Ridley Scott, who directed it, has a very spotty career overall.  For every awesome movie he's done (ALIEN), he's turned out a turd (G.I. JANE).  Russell Crowe can be a bad-ass but he can also be a complete douche.  I'm guessing he's douche-y in this one.  The biggest problem I have with this movie, other than not having seen it yet, is that it looks like a complete re-hash of GLADIATOR (which ruled) which of course is totally pointless.  I mean, the tone, the look, um, the damn leading actor...all identical!  What's the point?  Watch GLADIATOR for a tenth time and save yourself some money.  Ridley, it's time to do another ALIEN film.  Cut this shit out...

Rating not having seen it yet:  7.5/10
Best reason to see it:  Some cool battle scenes a la GLADIATOR and no Kevin Costner.
Best reason not to see it:  Russell Crowe and his sub-woofer-like low-frequency mumbling (kinda like Harrison Ford the last twenty years...wtf is that guy saying???).
How I rated the 1991 version in 1991:  8/10
How I rate the 1991 version now:  4/10

Music Review: ANGEL OF BABYLON and THE WICKED SYMPHONY by Avantasia

Big power metal fan here.  What's power metal?  Well, basically unpopular heavy metal originating (generally) outside the US.  And when I say unpopular, I mean in the US.  Power metal (a very broad term but basically any metal NOT of the Death, Black or Thrash alloys) is hugely popular around the world where people still have musical discernment and are not slaves to American Idol and corporate radio. 

Anyway, I generally like my metal heavy, melodic and positive.  Don't get me wrong, I like the Slayers and Dimmu Borgirs of the metal world as much as the next guy but the older I get the less I find myself listening to the more nihilistic persuasions of metal.  Maybe it's because the world is going to shit and the point of music (for me) is to escape the "real" and connect emotionally with something bigger and better than the as-is.  Or something like that.  At least for metal, that's where my head is.  So, naturally, I really enjoy both of Tobias Sammet's musical entities, Edguy (his first) and Avantasia (his most popular now).  The man is nothing if not prolific.

I'm not going to make any real distinction between his double-release of ANGEL OF BABYLON and THE WICKED SYMPHONY.  Both are bombastic, operatic, often heavy, sometimes quite lovely sonic platters filled with some brilliant songs as well as some that could have been scrapped.  But the good is really good.  The man is adept at the power ballad or the epic "suite"  a la Guns 'N' Roses' "November Rain".  "Runaway Train" is good example of what works really well here.  Ballad-like opening lasting two minutes replete with pensive lyrics:

"Goodbye...your pocket full of dreams

Your mind in a daze.

Keep on chasing rainbows.

Fly high

Leave the past behind

The dark road you take bears no escape."

Then builds into a moderately heavy, chuggy power metal verse:

"In a world of grand illusions

Where love is just a dream.

You gotta make your sacrifices

Time to pick your poison.

The fool is he who is noble minded

And bellies up to poverty.

He's not a king in the world of diamonds

Paling into oblivion."

Tobias has a whole host of guest appearances here as usual and it adds tremendously to the album in terms of variety, tone, pacing, etc.  I'm not exactly sure who's who when he's not singing but I know there are some big names involved like Klaus Meine of Scorpions fame (okay, I know when he's singing!).  Come verse time, it's usually Tobias belting it out:

"I lay down my soul for glory

I've given a life away.

Don't know if I am sorry

Blind me, blind me.

Don't know where I'll be going

I gotta get away.

From the pain of recollection

Drawn into the faint."

...getting everone ready for the big chorus which is usually an entire cast kind fo thing, effect usually a big poweful sound not unlike a cross between Queen and Def Leppard, the best of two somewhat divergent sounds:

"Hang on to a runaway train

No turning back

Tethered to a runaway train

Take me away

Torpedo in the wind and rain

No turning back

Hang on to a runaway train.

Take me away."

These are big, anthemic songs that, while they really don't make a lot of sense lyrically sometimes (Tobias is German), always impart a sense of epic hope amidst the somewhat melancholic bedrock.  Other similar tracks that work well here include "Blowing Out The Flame", "Alone I Remember", and "The Edge".

Really, there's exactly one album's worth of excellent material and another album's worth of good to medicore power metal and power ballads.  Both albums offer virtually the same experience but, without question, the crown jewel track here is "Runaway Train" so I give a slight edge to "The Wicked Symphony" overall.  Neither album hits the dizzying power metal heights of "The Metal Opera, Part II" or the power ballad peaks of "The Scarecrow" but, all in all, they offer a good macrocosm of the Avantasia experience.  Buy with confidence.

Rating, ANGEL OF BABYLON:  8.0
Rating, THE WICKED SYMPHONY:  8.4

On Boycotting Arizona Because of the New Immigration Law...

Hey, Los Angeles, Democratic National Convention, et al.:  grow the fuck up.  I'm also embarrassed that my favorite NBA team, the Suns, would stoop to such antics as renaming themselves "Los Suns" in a retarded display of solidarity with, um, I guess all the illegals in the country and their supporters.  I'm sure there's a ton of illegals at the typical Suns game since, you know, professional sporting events are so incredibly affordable for the masses let alone the unwashed, undocumented masses.  Robert Sarver, owner of the Suns, probably employs many, many illegals though so I guess it's his right to defend them.  Mr. Sarver, you are a douche. 

Note to liberals and the mainstream news media:  recent polls show that the majority of the country SUPPORTS Arizona in its bid to eliminate the growing problem of illegals sucking away at our decaying social and physical infrastructure whilst sending tax-free paychecks home to Mexico.  So, yeah, shut the fuck up and get a grip on reality.  If you're not an American with proof of citizenship, get the fuck out.  And don't let door hit you...

Good Read: Taibbi: The Lunatics Who Made a Religion Out of Greed and Wrecked the Economy

Click here.

This article captures the current Gordon Gekko "greed is not only good, it's FUCKING GOOD!!!" bullshit culture that permeates Wall Street if not all of Western banking in general.  This philosophy is so nefarious and dangerous to the very well-being of Western society, it needs to be irradiated like a tumor.  Trouble is, the very people that are supposed to police it (Government) and criticize it (the Media) are in bed with the disease.  It's not as if we haven't been warned:  "The love of money is the root of all evil." -- God.

Stupid Rant: Arizona Tries To Secure Its Border And Everyone Freaks Out. WTF.

Mexico issues a travel alert for Ariz.

You serious?  You must be fucking with me.  Are you fucking with me?  No, you're not?  You're serious.  Arizona finally cracks down on illegal immigration (duh) and Mexico issues a fucking travel alert.  Hey, Mexico.  FUCK.  YOU.

Stupid Lists: TOP TWENTY MODERN GUITARISTS

So, yeah, I play guitar.  Or at least try to.  I've been trying for about 24 years now and it kinda sounds like I've been playing for maybe half that time.  Maybe a quarter.  Anyway, I try and I enjoy it.  And, as usual, I have strong opinions about guitar players.  So, you get another dumb list.  I'm going to limit this list to modern players (say, 1980 or "newer") and it's definitely biased toward metal players if only because metal fucking rules and, well, metal players are usually the best technically.  Or at least the biggest show-offs.  Same thing.  Oh, and the list only includes players you've heard of.  I mean, I'm sure there are many obscure guys out there that rule.  But they are obscure and nobody cares about them.  So, here's the list, which is kind of in order (sort of)...

1.  Yngwie J. Malmsteen (Rising Force, eponymous, Alcatraz, Steeler)

Yngwie takes the top spot if only because I'm kinda partial to both speed and the emotive aspects of guitar playing and Yngwie combines both probably better than anyone I can think of.  Yeah, he gets way out of control sometimes and the line between the "technical" and the just plain "wanky" gets blurred often but, man, the guy just plays with such ferocity.  And truth be told, only Jimi Hendrix and Eddie Van Halen (maybe) eclipse Yngwie in influence.  Everyone wants to play like him but few can.  Sure, plenty of guys out there can play balls-to-the-wall fast (Tony MacAlpine, John Petrucci, Paul Gilbert, Vinnie Moore, et al) but few can match Yngwie's ferocity.  He just attacks like no one else.  He makes his guitar bleed and scream and cry like no one else...at least at these velocities.  Plus, he did the 360 guitar swing cooler than anyone else!

Must own representative album:  MARCHING OUT (1985)
Best representative track:  "I'll See The Light Tonight" from MARCHING OUT

2.  Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot, Ozzy)

God rest his soul, Randy was The Next Big Thing after Eddie back in the day.  His body of work is limited but with his two proper albums for Ozzy he firmly established himself the prototype player for the future melding classical chops with ten-ton metal riffery.  Hell, the guy owns what I feel is the greatest riff ever written in the intro to "Crazy Train".  He also wrote two of the greatest solos of all time:  "Crazy Train" again and "Goodbye To Romance".  His solos combined everything that had been learned by guitarists up until that time:  classical scales, finger-tapping, blues phrases, etc.  And he made it sound so easy and melodic.  I really can't imagine where he would have taken metal playing if he had lived longer.  Rumor is that he was probably leaving Ozzy and possibly walking away from the band thing altogether such was his love for the pure joy of playing and learning.  Talent of this magnitude, however, would have endured somehow in recorded format.  And the mind boggles at what he would have shared with us all had tragedy not interfered.  I grant that much of the rating stems from the promise that Randy held.  But it was totally obvious that the promise would have been made good had he lived.  A legend cut short makes for the greatest legends of all, no?

Must own album:  BLIZZARD OF OZZ (1980)
Best representative track:  "Crazy Train" from BLIZZARD OF OZ

3.  Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)

For some reason I'm just not excited about Ed anymore but I still recognize him as the amazing originator and talent that he is.  Ed is what I cut my teeth on playing wise.  Ed introduced me to heavy metal in general.  Had you asked me back in 1989 or so, he would have been #1 for sure.  I rarely listen to Van Halen anymore but I marvel at what Ed did, esp. the mind-blowing debut back in 1978.  In many ways, Ed has never topped that and, frankly, it's hard to imagine him ever being able to top it.  With "Eruption" he threw down the gauntlet and usurped the title of King of Rock Guitar from Jimi Hendrix.  No question about it.  It's still widely considered the greatest guitar solo of all time and I won't argue against it.  But, still, his playing no longer excites me emotionally.  But, damn...Eddie Van Halen.  'nuff said. 

Must own album:  VAN HALEN (1978)
Best representative track:  "Eruption" from VAN HALEN

4.  James Hetfield (Metallica)

Kirk gets all the attention but for my money James is the one with all the talent.  They don't call him King James for nothing (sorry, LeBron).  Nobody but nobody has produced the sheer number and quality of metal riffs as James.  The sickest, baddest, blackest riffs ever written have come from the fingertips of King James.  From "Fight Fire With Fire" to "Master Of Puppets" to "Eye of the Beholder", James re-wrote the rules to metal riffing.  Sure, the quality has fallen considerably since, arguably, "The Black Album", but even into the mid-90's James was producing some deadly cool riffs that will stand the test of time.  And what is most overlooked are his soloing abilities which are overshadowed by the (annoying) pyrotechnics of Kirk Hammett.  James provided some amazingly melodic solos (see "Master of Puppets" and "Orion") early on but for whatever reason left the chores to Kirk by the time "The Black Album" was conceived.  I suspect James can still kill Kirk at will but, well, has to give Kirk something to do.

Must own album:  ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL (1988) 
Best representative track: "Master of Puppets" from MASTER OF PUPPETS

5.  David Gilmour (Pink Floyd, solo)

Nobody can make a Fender Strat' weep like David.  Sorry, not even Clapton.  Gilmour is probably my fave "feel" player on this list.  His playing is just so emotive and expressive.  He is the source of the melancholy that permeates the best of Floyd's music.  Few musicians can make three or four notes say so much.

Must own album:  THE WALL (1979)
Best representative track: "Comfortably Numb" from THE WALL 

6.  Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits, solo)

My guitar brain tells me that Mark Knopfler belongs on top here.  He just blows me away as a player.  The man can do it all:  rhythm, lead, texturing, compositionally, mood, et. al.  Plus, that tone.  Nobody else can make the guitar sound so pristine and elegant yet also so fucking badass when needed ("Money For Nothing").  BROTHERS IN ARMS may just be my favorite guitar album of all time.  Let that sink in.  And of course the man can play just about every style out there from blues to acoustic country/folk to rock and everything in between.  Nobody has ever made a clean tone sound so sick as Mark did with the solo on "Sultans of Swing".  One of the five or so classic solos of all time regardless of genre.

Must own album:  BROTHERS IN ARMS (1985)
Best representative track:  "Sultans of Swing" from DIRE STRAITS (1978)

7.  Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)

Ahh, Dave.  Gotta love him.  Through the fire more than once and always comes out on top, or close to it.  It's hard to imagine that once upon a time Dave was actually a member of Metallica.  In hindisght, it's obvious that all these egos could never co-exist peacefully.  Dave doesn't play second fiddle to anyone and neither does James & Lars, Inc.  Well, the world benefited ultimately with two great bands producing many great albums.  Like James, Dave is equally adept at riffing and soloing making him, arguably, the most versatile guitarist in mainstream metal today.  Dave's also enjoying a creative re-birth that Metallica, sadly, cannot claim so maybe Dave is getting the last laugh.

Must own album:  COUNTDOWN TO EXTINCTION (1992)
Best representative track:  "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" from RUST IN PEACE (1990)

8.  Andy Summers (The Police)

Andy demonstrates just how important legacy is to this list.  Summers hasn't done much (to my knowledge) of note in a long time but his work with The Police is tremendous.  Now I should mention that my favorite drummer of all time is Stuart Copeland, who very much has mirroed Andy's career since The Police (under the radar if not necessarily idle).  So anyone playing with Copeland has got to be able to hold his own.  Or maybe it's a case of Copeland's rhythmic brilliance that makes everyone excel.  Whatever.  If Andy Summers were a painter, he'd be an Impressionist, for the subtlety of the individual pieces makes for a compelling whole.

Must own album:  SYNCHRONICITY (1983)
Best representative track:  "Wrapped Around Your Finger" from SYNCHRONICITY

9.  Chris DeGarmo (Queensryche)

And now we come to some dark horses.  What, all my pics have to be household names?  Fuhgedaboutit.  DeGarmo is one half of the dynamic duo (along with Michael Wilton) that made Queensryche so formidable guitar-wise in their prime (read:  1986 to 1994).  I'm singleing out Chris here cuz there's every reason to believe Chris was the driving force creatively for not only this duo but the band as well.  Mr. Wilton and the band haven't produced a single worthy album since Chris' departure after their confounding and dull '97 effort, HEAR IN THE NOW FRONTIER (ahh, so clever).  Really, this should have been the swan song for the band.  Anyway....back to Chris.  In the span of three albums, he and Wilton cement themselves as one of the very best duos in rock, channeling the very best inspirations from the Murray/Smith and Tipton/Downing teams in Maiden and Priest, respectively.  OPERATION: MINDCRIME might just be my fave heavy guitar album of all.  And DeGarmo's name is all over that thing.  Note to the remaining members of Queensryche:  STOP.  Seriously.

Must own album:  OPERATION: MINDCRIME (1988)
Best representative track:  "Walk In The Shadows" from RAGE FOR ORDER (1986)  

10.  Joe Satriani

I'm not real excited about this pick but I grant that everyone else is in love with Satriani and even I am smart enough to know he's pretty fucking good on the gee-tar.  I just don't really dig instrumental albums.  They are boring.  I need songs.  Sorry.  But, yeah, Satch is a monster and probably considered "the" shred guitarist of the last twenty years or so.  Plus, he's got that mystique of teaching guys like Kirk Hammett so I guess he was just born able to play.  Came right out of the ol' love canal and asked for an Ibanez.  Something like that.

Must own album:  None of them for me but I guess SURFING WITH THE ALIEN (1987) by most accounts.
Best representative track:  "Always With You, Always With Me" from SURFING WITH THE ALIEN

11.  Dave Murray (Iron Maiden)

Past #10 this list gets a little random.  Dave Murray could easily be #19 and Adrian Smith #11.  You get the idea.  Well, Murray is my personal favorite stylistically, although Adrian wrote some of my fave Maiden licks. They are sides of a coin and compliment each other brilliantly.  Really, Maiden stands as the preeminent metal band of all times so how can these dudes not be on the list?  Iron Fucking Maiden, mate.

Must own album:  BRAVE NEW WORLD (2000)
Best representative track:  "Hallowed Be Thy Name" from THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST (1982)

12.  George Lynch (Dokken, Lynch Mob)

George "Mr. Scary" Lynch.  He's probably the best example of hair metal with talent there is.  If you had to pick one guitar player to front your hair band, this is your guy.  After Yngwie, can't think of anyone that attacks the frets quite like George.  Word is George actually invented the finger tapping thing.

Must own album:  UNDER LOCK AND KEY (1985)
Best representative track:  "Mr. Scary" from BACK FOR THE ATTACK (1987)

13.  Steve Vai (Whitesnake, David Lee Roth, solo)

Fucking Steve Vai.  Okay, personally, I think he's a wanker.  I mean, yeah, he shreds.  Can play circles around 99.9% of the guitar population.  But he's still an annoying wanker.  Too much histrionics.  Too much goofiness.  Occasionally, he gets it right.  But too rarely.  It's like he's on speed all the time.  Get the man some Ritalin.  Anyway, yeah, he's awesome.  But he's still a dork.

Must own album:  David Lee Roth's SKYSCRAPER (1988)
Best representative track:  "The Duel from Crossroads" or whatever it's called.  If the Devil does have a guitarist, chances are it really is Steve Vai.

14.  Alex Lifeson (Rush)

Too many great riffs and classic rock songs to exclude this guy.  Like Andy Summers, he does simple stuff that sounds not so simple because, well, it's so not that easy!  Make sense?  Good.  Really good textural player too.  I mean, the dude has to keep up with Neil "Never Heard A Fill I Didn't Like" Peart.  You have to be good to be in Rush, period.  Off topic a bit, I always thought he looked like a geeky cyclist or something.  Or a college student.

Must own album:  MOVING PICTURES (1982)
Best representative track:  "Tom Sawyer" from MOVING PICTURES

15.  Peter Koppes (The Church)

This is where the list becomes highly subjective.  Let me give you some perspective on this pick:  The Church is my favorite band of all time.  Peter Koppes and Marty Willson-Piper are the duo that paint the other-wordly, shimmering, panoramic guitar sonics that the band is known (unknown) for.  Peter provides more of the atmospherics while Willson-Piper provides the more immediate vibes.  Together, they create truly unique vistas of sound that sings to the soul.  And the catalog now stands at like 20+ studio albums. Wow.

Must own album: PRIEST=AURA (1992)
Best representative track: "Destination" from STARFISH (1988)

16.  Vito Bratta (White Lion)

After Eddie and Yngwie, I would say Vito made one of the biggest splashes in rock guitar in the 80's.  He took finger-tapping to the next level by incorporating it into many of his solos, which are flat-out awesome.  He was the virtuoso buried in the Aquanet that is White Lion in general.  Word is, he gave up playing a long time ago.  Sad cuz the guy was awesome.

Must own album:  PRIDE (1987)
Best representative track:  "Little Fighter" from BIG GAME (1989)

17.  Dave Matthews (Dave Matthews Band)

I'm not really an avid DMB fan but I like some of their songs and, despite his whiney voice, the guy can write a tune and flat-out play the friggin' acoustic.  Philosophically, I'm really not on board the train but, again, I give credit where it's due and Dave has certainly brought a level of virtuosity to the mainstream.  I'd like to see him take that Taylor acoustic and John Mayer over the head with it though.  What a pussy.

Must own album:  Not sure.
Best representative track:  I like "Grey Street" quite a bit.

18.  Ty Tabor (King's X)

Ty rules.  Horribly thin production on the first few albums doesn't mask his incredible skill.  But then, bam, amazing production values starting with DOGMAN really start to reveal just how awesome Ty is.  Too bad the band never gets the cred' it deserves.  Recent albums are iffy also.

Must own album:  DOGMAN (1994)
Best representative track:  "A Box" from EAR CANDY (1996)

19.  Adrian Smith (Iron Maiden)

Adrian wrote "Wasted Years".  Second best riff ever.  Nuff said.

Must own album:  SEVENTH SON OF A SEVENTH SON (1988)
Best representative track:  "Wasted Years" from SOMEWHERE IN TMIE (1986)

20.  Marty Willson-Piper (The Church)

I could write endlessly about how important The Church's music is to me.  But it would bore both you and me.  Marty plays with so much emotion.  He's all feel and personality.  Peter Koppes writes the sentences and Marty puts in the punctuation.  Together, poetry.

Must own album:  AFTER EVERYTHING, NOW THIS (2002)
Best representative track:  "Metropolis" from GOLD AFTERNOON FIX (1990)

Film Review: THE CLASH OF THE TITANS

Didn't think this was gonna be anywhere near as fun as the original, but even with the absence of a totally groovy Harry Hamlin circa 1981, this movie really is an old-fashioned action blast.  Yes, there are plenty of SFX but they are rarely over-whelming and actually pretty effective.

Sam Worthington (whoever he is! -- I know the name and I know the face...but can't name a single other movie he's been in) is probably the least compelling member of the team chops-wise, but he does a serviceable job.  His hair is nowhere near as grooverrific as Hamlin's but, well, who's is?  The supporting cast is pretty dang good.  They all sport really good hair and that's important to those of us who are not happy with our midly-receded hairlines and mild-yet-noticeable thinning.  And fucking Propecia is up to $82/month!  Aww, hell, anyway...

The chicks are hot and the one that plays a goddess (Io-something) is way smokin' and I'm really happy that Sam (Perseus) ended up with her instead of Andromeda, who was way too skinny.  When she's chained up waiting for the Krakken (sp?) to take her, and her arms are pulled up and apart, you can totally see boneage where we should be seeing cleevage.  Hey Hollywood dumbasses:  NOT SEXY.  We wanna see cleevage.  We wanna see curves.  Stop giving us straw-women and skeletons for fucks' sake.  Yuck.

Anyway, really fun movie with a sorta de facto coolness merely because of the inclusions of Liam Neeson (awesome) and Ralph (start spelling it Rafe!) Fiennes (and Fines!) in the Zeus/Hades roles.  Really the movie is worth seeing simply because of the plethora of ancient Greek women.  Ancient Greek women are HOT.

Rating:  7.8/10

Rant: When Is Enough Enough? In America, Never...

You don't need to look very deep or very far these days in the mainstream "news" let alone the actual sources of real news in the back alleys of the information superhighway to see white-collar and government criminals getting away with murder with nary a slap on the wrist.

From the gold shortage at a Canadian bank to absolutely no one being held liable for the "reallocation" of taxpayer money to AIG in the $182 billion collapse of the "mother-fucking poster child for all that is wrong in America today" insurance giant to the, well, take your pick of scandal after scandal with no one held responsible.  What the fuck?  Hello?  Is this the America that Washington or Lincoln or King Jr. or even Swaggart or Bush Part 1 & Part 2 envisioned?  In their blackest of hearts, the answer is no! 

How apathetic and lazy is the typical "American Idol"-watching American?  How much more corruption will it take to wake him or her up?  Or is it simply a function of discomfort?  Well, folks, the discomfort is a-coming.  So fuck you and your kids and your kids' kids cuz that's exactly what you're bargaining for.

America is dead.  It's official.  The corpose begins to rot...

Rant: Why Don't All Get Together And Sue Wall Street and US Government?

Seriously, why don't we -- you know, us "average Americans" -- band together and form a class-action lawsuit against all those motherfucking crooks?  I mean, they did rip us off and commit outright theft of our tax money, right?  And our "for the people by the people" government...they not only proposed the "bailouts" (ie, thefts), they didn't even bother to ask us what we thought?  Where is the judicial branch in all of this?  Where is justice?  Nowhere.  Let's sue them.  Calling Jacoby & Myers right now...stay tuned.

Film Review: CABIN FEVER 2

Forget everything good I insinuated about Ti West and his directorial/writing abilities vis-a-vis THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL.  He clearly copied any number of early 80's horror films...probably got one of the shooting scripts...DP handbooks, etc.  Why?  Cuz CABIN FEVER 2 is a huge steaming pile of shit.  I made it thirty minutes into this crude, disgusting, stupid film before I had to turn it off. 

Btw, showing two high school kids (I'm assuming they are supposed to be under 18 in the movie) simulating oral sex....um, isn't that tantamount to selling kiddy p0rn?  Well done, Ti.  The cops should be showing up at any moment.  Oh that's right, we live in Amerika...where double standards are the standard.  Horrible film.  Beware.

Rant: About Greece...

Aren't we splitting hairs here?  I mean, really.  Greece has got a debt problem and the world is all abuzz about how their debt situation is going to impact the EU and the rest of the world like a virus.  Give me a break.  Greece's debt situation is miniscule compared to the US's.  If people are worried about Greece's situation, they should be fucking scared out of their minds about the massive implosion the US is trekking towards.  In the meantime, just enjoy your falafel...

Overdue Music Review: DEATH MAGNETIC by Metallica

What a piece of shit.  I thought I had thrown this album away a couple of days after buying it upon release in Sept. 2008.  Yes, I foolishly thought all the hype about Metallica going back to their 80's heyday roots was accurate.  Bullshit.  They must have virally spread this rumor about a return to form.  The only thing I can say positively about this album is that it's actually better than 2003's horrendous monstrosity known as ST. ANGER. 

Talk about anger...that album made any legitimate fan mad as hell.  Seriously, I listened to that sonic shitstorm twice and decided it had no business being within five miles of any CD player I owned.  I thought about burning it but didn't want to waste the time. 

Okay, so all I can say is this joke of an album is better than the last outing.  But it's still far and away the second most disappointing album I have bought in the last, oh, seven years.  Fucking Metallica.  Retire already!  Iron Maiden, please go kick their ass on behalf of all the fans of metal around the world.

Film Review: THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL

As far as modern horror goes, this is an excellent film.  Mostly because it is thoroughly anachronistic in convention and intention.  So obviously an homage to late 70's/early 80's horror, the film succeeds wildly at elements to good horror craft that are sorely lacking in modern horror:  namely, characterization, story (kinda) and atmosphere.  You know, those silly things.

The opening title sequence is so over-the-top "low-budget" that it's actually totally distracting and a generates a mild bias against the movie, at least initially.  It's too overt and polished to work as anything other than a joke.  But i certainly got the joke and so will just about anyone born after, say, 1990.  Anyway, the look of the film is otherwise pretty authentic and the subtle (i think it was subtle...can't even remember now) score totally reminds me of those shitty but great horror classics like THE BURNING and THE BEAST WITHIN, just to name two that come to mind first.  If you thought i was gonna say FRIDAY THE 13TH you're an idiot, go away.

The female lead -- look her up on imdb.com if you really wanna know who she is...I just know she's too skinny yet still pretty hot -- is really good.  She and her best friend (in the story -- I don't know who she hangs with in real life) wear the right clothes and have the right hair styles so somebody's done their homework.  I understand the director is in his twenties so obviously he needed to hire someone who was actually born in the 70's or maybe he just studied all the horror "artifacts"...either way works I suppose.  I did feel that the Walkman she had was a bit premature for the time.  Although the movie never says what year it takes place, it really looks like somewhere around 1981-'82 and the Walkman had only been widely available as of 1983, so it would have been prohibitively expensive for a college student.  Sorry, I'm a stickler for continuity.

So anyway, the first hour of the film is almost entirely set-up and it works very effectively.  People with short attention spans (ie., anyone born after 1990 again) will probably be bored out of their mind.  Fuck them.  They can go play video games or share nude pictures of their classmates (I hear that's big these days)...nobody cares what they think or enjoy anyway.  There's a good plot surprise about 30 minutes into the story but otherwise it's a slow build to the climax.  But once reached, the story moves like a freight train even if it's ultimately a little unsatisfying.  Visually, the Satanic elements are quite impressive and even downright scary.  I would have a little trouble watching this movie alone at night and if you have a problem with that, go fuck yourself.  You're lying if you say you wouldn't get some chills yourself.  It's a very satisfying and effective payoff for two-thirds of the ending.  The last third is contrived and, um, way too hollywood-ish.  A darker ending with more finality would have been far more powerful.

Overall, I highly recommend this flick.  Along with THE UNINVITED, it's probably one of the best mainstream horror movies in recent memory.  Of course, not much competition out there but, still, this is a very solid horror experience that any true fan of the genre should enjoy.

Rating:  8.5/10

Film Review: EDGE OF DARKNESS

what a great movie.  seriously, i was blown away by this one.  Mel has taken a lot of heat lately and i think he's channeled all of that tension into a seething, subtle, authentically-human performance.  i really feel it's the most impressive "mainstream" acting job i've seen all year.  of course, nobody gives a shit cuz it's hip to hate Mel and the movie is getting largely panned by the critics.  fuck them.

this is a terrific, mature film that combines political themes along with meditations on family and mortality in general.  it's a pretty ambitious film and succeeds for the most part in achieving its goals.  things get off to a somewhat slow start, so much so that i wondered if i had made a mistake shelling out my $6.75 (matinee of course) about 20 minutes into the proceedings.  i mean, the beginning develops very slowly.  but then i realized that, hey, this is what is called "character development", a concept somewhat foreign to the modern film-maker.  you see, the idea is to actually establish a character as a real human being with real human vulnerabilities and complexities.  i know, this is a strange concept in our current schizophrenic film-making world where the number of quick cuts in a scene usually outnumbers the actual words in the script.  i get a migraine most of the time i visit the cineplex these days and that's probaby why i seldom go anymore.  Michael Bay...fuck you and your horrible fucking TRANSFORMERS franchise.  i wish illness upon you.  okay, not really.  but i hate you.  you are part of the problem, pandering to what is clearly a foreign box-office when these things are green-lighted in h-town.  or maybe it's just America.  i mean, we are totally ADD, right?  at least anyone under, say, 30 has the attention-span of a nanosecond.

anyway, back to Mel.  he's great.  tour-de-force great.  his character evolves in shades of grey.  it's wonderful to watch him become this shell of a man with nothing to lose but everything to believe in and therefore gain.  his very existence and the core of his soul is defined by sudden loss.  he finds himself caught up in an incredible conspiracy involving senators, corporate executives, average joes...all done with plausibility somehow.  in fact, given our current state of far-reaching political and corporate corruption, it's pretty easy to see a story like this playing out routinely behind the scenes.

i won't even bother going into plot, mostly because (as you'll see moving forward) i don't talk plot.  go read plot at imdb.com or Roger Ebert's site.  i don't offer opinion on plot.  i offer opinion on execution of plot.  so Mel would fail miserably in selling this journey without a stellar supporting cast and that we get indeed.  especially ray winstone.  with one quarter the screen time of Mel, he delivers an equally complex and powerful performance as the anti-hero or greek chorus, whichever metaphor fits (i'm not good with metaphors).

anyway, i see no point in dragging out reviews.  the movie is fucking good and if you don't think so you're an idiot or a liberal or both.  fuck politics, you know this shit is going on right now with both Demoshats and Republicants right in the middle of it.  we're fucked.  might as well enjoy a really good drama.

Rating:  8.5/10

Stupid Lists: Top 20 Heavy Metal Albums, 1980 -- Present

I'm a sucker for lists.  I value my own opinion significantly more than most other opinions.  If you're not famous or hold some kind of advanced degree (preferably a Phd.), chances are I think your opinion on most things is unimportant at best and downright worth of ridicule at worst.  Just the way it is.  Anyway, my maiden (haha!) "list" post is what I feel to be, and, remember, what I feel to be is in fact the only thing that matters here, the very best metal albums since, say, 1980.  I could go as far back as the late 60's when Led Zeppelin and The Beatles (yes, The Beatles...check out "She's So Heavy") invented the music form.

So here goes... the twenty "best" (meaning:  I like to listen to them a lot) metal albums since 1980...in no particular order except BRAVE NEW WORLD is hands-down the best metal album I own...Maiden stormed back like a real motherfucker...up the irons, et al.:

1.  BRAVE NEW WORLD -- Iron Maiden, 2000
2.  OPERATION: MINDCRIM -- Queensryche, 1988
3.  COUNTDOWN TO EXTINCTION -- Megadeth, 1992
4.  MASTER OF PUPPETS -- Metallica, 1986
5.  RUST IN PEACE -- Megadeth, 1990
6.  RAGE FOR ORDER -- Queensryche, 1986
7.  ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL -- Metallica, 1988
8.  DRACONIAN TIMES -- Paradise Lost, 1995
9.  BLACK ALBUM, Metallica, 1991
10.  SEVENTH SON OF A SEVENTH SON -- Iron Maiden, 1988
11.  APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION -- Guns N Roses, 1987
12.  EMPIRE -- Queensryche, 1990
13.  YOUTHANASIA -- Megadeth, 1994
15.  PROJECTOR -- Dark Tranquility, 1999
16.  MARCHING OUT -- Yngwie J. Malmsteen's Rising Force, 1985
17.  THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, Iron Maiden, 1982
18.  DIRT -- Alice In Chains, 1992
19.  TOXICITY -- SYSTEM OF A DOWN, 2001
20.  NATURAL BORN CHAOS, Soilwork, 2002

Honorable mention:  BLIZZARD OF OZ -- Ozzy, VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER -- Pantera, LATERALUS -- Tool, PAINKILLER -- Judas Priest, REROUTE TO REMAIN -- In Flames, DAMAGE DONE -- Dark Tranquility, SEASONS IN THE ABYSS -- Slayer, RIDE THE LIGHTNING -- Metallica, POWERSLAVE -- Iron Maiden, CLAYMAN -- In Flames

Rant: Fuck Bailouts.

seriously, what is wrong with the world?  that's a rhetorical question of course. 

but even accepting that the world is a deeply flawed and fallen place, the lunacy circling the globe with regard to bailouts is growing increasingly hard to rationalize in the absence of a true global conspiracy to, presumably, usher in some new world order.  enough of the fuckin' bailouts.  nobody i know wants to bailout Citibank let alone entire nations because of their stupidity/greed/avarice/pick-your-poison.  we're in real trouble when only the germans seem to understand the problems with a bailout of greece, spain, et. al.

all a bailout does is redistribute wealth at the future expense of the masses.  the masses couldn't possibly endorse this, ergo our fearless leaders -- whether they be in the US, Europe, wherever -- are acting in total rogue self-interest.  it's like a sick hybrid of socialism and capitalism combining the very worst tendencies of both.  and look, i understand the importance of maintaining some kind of industrial base in the US (GM and Chrysler) as hopelessy non-competitive as it might be, but i could care less about the financial division of GM, GMAC, and any other financial institution that has not only been the architects of our collective demise but continue to act in such a fasion.  fuck them.

all you politicians that keep pushing this bullshit:  you are on thin ice.  and i don't mean re-election thin ice.  i mean, you are seriously fucking with your safety.  that is not a threat as i do not believe in any kind of violence except for immediate physical self-defense.  but there are plenty of others out there that do.  and our govenments from the US to the EU are increasingly taking away their options.

just fucking cut it out.  seriously.

Music Review: DEAR LOVER by Matthew Ryan

okay, let me preface this review by saying that i am a HUGE matthew ryan fan.  the first album by him i bought was 2000's EAST AUTUMN GRIN which was a brilliant fucking album.  probably one of my five or ten best of the decade.  i dont feel he's matched the quality of that sophomore album (his debut is equally fucking awesome) since then but he's come very close (2006's FROM A LATE NIGHT HIGHRISE).  and even his last album, 2008's MATTHEW RYAN VS. THE SILVER STATE, had some brilliant moments despite his desire to assert (for some reason) some garagey persona that doesn't suit him.

anyway, i have a really high opinion of him as an artist.  but this album falls prey to the tendency he revealed on FROM A LATE NIGHT HIGHRISE to utilize a very predominant casio-esque keyboard element to the nth degree and thereby annoy the shit out of me.  i mean i get it:  he used to have the benefit of a fairly major label to provide studio musicians (i assume) and a generous production budget (never underestimate the value of a really good producer).  i understand the contraints he's under as an independent artist.  but, still, way too much cheap keys.  or at the least they sound like cheap keys.  so the album fails miserably from a production standpoint.

the songs are generally weak when compared to his previous, amazing body of work.  i'm talking lyrics and arrangements.  very simplistic and overly verbose/repititious.  there is one truly great track here, however -- "some streets lead nowhere".  the song has lyrical depth, a dramatic musical build-up and crescendo...just a great fucking song.  one of his twenty best tracks if i was counting (yeah, his past work is that impressive).  it really stands out on an otherwise unexceptional album.  don't get me wrong, the typical artist would be very happy to have written these songs.  they are good generally speaking (except "ps"...what a stoopid song) but not at all noteworthy or memorable when you compare them to all the other great songs this guy has written.

i dunno, maybe my view of this album is being colored by my sudden hatred (not really) for mr. ryan.  you see, my ex has this annoying sychophanthic fascination with this fucker.  before we finally broke up, she was down on her knees at every post he made on Facebook.  drove me nuts.  what a douche.  both of them.

anyway, this is a pretty good album by most measures and you probably will enjoy it quite a bit.  but given the previous work he's done, it's a big disappointment.  at least for me.  whatever.  go buy it.  

Rating:  5/10 (in relative terms)...8/10 in absolute terms.  go figure...

p.s. -- i think this album should re-titled DEAR LOVER, I HATE YOU.  just my opinion...